February food of the month!

Like I mentioned in January, my new year's resolution is to try a new food I've never tried before each month. January was Gator Jerky (which was delish, btw) and February was dun dun dun...... LAMB. Call me crazy for never having lamb before the age of 23, but I grew up in a mid-western family... no lamb whatsoever.

So Thursday night I had the privilege of dining at the fabulous Taverna Opa off of International Drive in Orlando. The place was hopping with loud music, a belly dancer traveling from table to table, and napkins being thrown every which way. I guess instead of breaking plates, they throw napkins and yell "Opa!" I loved it! Totally new experience for me. People dancing on tables, great food and good company, of course.

Well I tried lamb... and here she blows:



It was, in essence, friggen fantastic. I NEVER thought I would enjoy lamb, but this meat was so tender and so juicy that it slipped right off of the bone and into my large intestine. Ok, bad visual. But it was scrumptious. Absolutely scrumptious. While it looks relatively ugly on the plate, in my opinion, it was the tastiest meat I've ever had! It had to of been horrible for me, but mmmh mmhh so good! However, I will forewarn you... it seemed that everything at Taverna Opa was smothered in lemon, which I was not too keen on. But if you like that cirtus-y flavor, than you'll be in heaven.

Thanks Taverna Opa and thanks billy for pickin up the tab!

My new love

I'm going to be honest with all of you today. I am not the most dedicated follower of fashion. While I thrive on finding cute outfits and trendy accessories, I am wholeheartedly a southern, bargain addict. Yes. I generally stay within the realm of "in style," but I refuse to pay full price for anything unless it's absolutely worth every single penny in my head. While I love Lilly Pulitzer, I peruse her line more at Marshall's than anywhere else alongside some of my other faves: Steve Madden, Michael Kors and Ralph Lauren. Call it a faux pas, but let's face it... I'm a recent college grad and that = a lackluster income.

However, right before Christmas I came across what I thought to be a *beautiful* handbag in the least likely of places. While at the Florida Mall, I stepped in Nine West as my best friend From Oranges to Peaches scavenged for a pair of leather, winter boots (which btw... was damn near impossible to find that time of year for some reason). While I am certainly not a huge fan of Nine West, I found this:



Did I buy it? No...

Why? Because I just wouldn't fork over the full price for something that seemed rather frivolous at the time. Epic fail on my part.

But that bag was permanently ingrained into the back of my mind...

....for 2 months

UNTIL, last weekend I hit up the Westshore Mall (nearly 100 miles from Florida Mall) and to my good fortune, there sat that very same bag ON SALE!

So I bought it. And I love it. It feels good. So good. Not only did I get the bag I wanted, but my diva bargain side was completely satisfied, no cognitive dissonance whatsoever!...something that only happens once in a blue moon.

I dare you to tell me this bag isn't adorable with its matching coin purse! I will fight you!

For future reference

Apparently, you cannot return sex toys for "health reasons," according to Effex Media (aka Fairvilla, Inc.)

EVEN if they are unopened and sealed.

Somebody out there is going to get one hell of a birthday present this year from me.

Look what showed up on my doorstep.

***note this blog is rated R***

So I've been debating whether or not I was going to share this story, because it kind of makes me blush... but I've decided it's just too funny and I can't fathom keeping it from all of you.

This past Monday was like any normal day. I went into work downtown. I went to Zumba at 6pm. I picked up a sub from Publix and then I went home. As I stomped up the stairs, sub in hand and ready to plop in front of the boob tube, I noticed my doormat propped up against my front door.

After quickly examining the strange setup, I noticed the mailman had left a package beneath the mat (because that's supposed to keep someone from stealing it? Um. kudos on the excellent security tactic USPS...) Anyways, so I picked up the package and took it inside completely perplexed as to what it may be.

I ripped it open and low and behold this appeared...



I freaked out thinking to myself "Did I accidentally click on something online that scammed me and sent this to me???" But that couldn't be right... the only websites I usually go to are Facebook, Twitter and various news sites.

The receipt said a charge had been made for $116 with a Visa... well... I'm an American Express girl, so it certainly wasn't me.

After a little digging I discovered it was sent as a present from an ex boyfriend. Now, dear readers, let's all take a second to vote here...

Do you consider this:

a) Creepy as hell
b) Creepier than creepy as hell
c) Thoughtful
d) Just weird

Calling Fairvilla tomorrow to see their return policy on this sort of thing...

The cutest pizza ever

While this post is certainly belated, I still felt the need to share. As I mentioned previously, I worked on Valentine's. However, when I got home I had the sweetest surprise waiting. Isn't this the cutest pizza ever? And my favorite: chicken and jalapenos!

I hate beer.

That is all for today.

TV talk with Jessica Vlog numero dos

yes. again. I realize I am dork...

My thinking spot

I've always had a weird attraction to water. I don't know what it is, or why, but there's something about a body of water that provides such a unique sense of tranquility. Living in South Tampa, I really am surrounded by water in almost every direction (but North, it's an isthmus...I love that word btw). I feel so fortunate living where I do, especially because my condo is right on the bay. Granted, it's a toss up whether or not the bay will smell like fish ass every single day, but it's a truly beautiful view on clear, stink-free day.

On that note, for as long as I can remember I've always retreated to the beach, or the riverside, or even a lake whenever I really needed to think or meditate on something. I think it's important we all have a special place where we can remove the stressors of every day life and just spend some time to ourselves thinking. I can remember when I was going to school at UCF I would drive all the way to Titusville just to sit on the Indian River and gaze out at the Space Center while I collected my thoughts.

Here, I have my back yard. I must say it's a truly relaxing getaway. A little bench nestled right on the bank overlooking Tampa Bay and the Howard Franklin bridge. Airplanes descending right above my head and the sound of choppy waves hitting the rocks brings a cool, collected state of mind.

Do you have a thinking spot?

Happy Birthday Preston!

So today is a very special day in that it is the birthday of my nephew Preston. For those of you who have had the joy of meeting Preston, you know that he is quite a character. I can honestly say he is probably one of the most creative, talented and HILARIOUS people I have ever met. This may sound weird, but I feel like Preston is just as much my friend as he is my nephew and I think that's pretty cool. Love you Preston!

Oh and here is one of his infamous acting stints... Preston doing the commercial for my dad's business Performance Plus Automotive. If you know my dad, you know he gets kinda angry, or least he *sounds*, angry... so we were kind of mocking that.

My life is Lost

I've decided that being 23 and "in between" is about as concrete as everyone's favorite prime time thriller "Lost." Perhaps I'm wrong, but it seems my everyday life seems to be as vague and confusing as the many plot twists and mysterious characters on the show. Unfortunately, my life is mundane and in no way, shape or form is this a good thing.



Let's examine why:
1) I don't know what the heck I'm doing OR why I'm here.
2) I don't really know what's going to happen in the future.
3) I desperately want to go home all the time.
4) I reminisce ALL the time and often have random flashbacks while I daydream.
5) I can't figure out why the heck certain people are even in my life or "on my island."
6) I can't seem to develop any solid path or escape out
7) I'm finding I run into a lot of hairy people like Hurley
8) My world seems to be full of random people
9) I live by a giant body of water
10) Anndddd.... the chance of being saved or rescued is very small... so I only really have myself and my faith to lean on.

Fabulous. My life = Lost.

No, I don't watch the show. I tried and found the first 4 or 5 episodes to be too gory for my taste. Apparently it cleans up after that, but why watch Lost when my life seems to be a shining, breathing example of its perplexity.

Goodnight.

Models?

Yes. I translated this. Yes. It says "The methods of birth control" or something along those lines... but I have one question:

Why must they find the creepiest people in the entire universe to pose for these things? Like why is there what looks to be a 50-year-old woman in the center at the bottom? Hasn't menopause kicked in yet? And why is that guy from the Black Eyed Peas on the cover? And most importantly, who let that creeper in the back with the peach fuzz above his lip past the metal detectors?

I can't think of five less attractive people to pose for something that alludes to something remotely sexual. Wow.

Happy Valentine's!

As the day winds up and all you lovebirds hit the sack after a romantic evening out, I'm sitting here utterly exhausted after a crazy day at work. I will admit that I have had a lovely Valentine's weekend. Yes weekend. While I have had to work every day, I did have some company this weekend that spoiled me rotten when I wasn't a slave to the Cracker Barrel public. I do hope that all of you had a wonderful day and celebrated *LOVE*

To me, Valentine's day is not about romance, but rather the love we share with our family and friends. I wish you all lots of love this year and I hope you got a chance to celebrate that love today with the people most special to your heart.

However, I will share that the dish crew at Cracker Barrel today wasn't experiencing much love when it came to their jobs. Check out the mess I encountered as I walked in today at 2 pm. (2 pm is an off-time for CB btw... it's between the lunch and dinner rushes) The managers even stopped to announce a joke about it over the speakers in the kitchen. Not sure they were so keen on me taking their picture, but they can suck it. They did have this cleaned up by around 6 pm, but the dish room was even backed up when I left at 9 pm. Craziness. Guess this is the "behind-the-scenes-look" at the mess behind your magical meal at Cracker Barrel. ha. ha.


*note that you can see the open mouth of one of the dishwashers... yes he is yelling at me for taking this picture. No, I did not care.*

The one-man showman

Have you ever called up your boyfriend or girlfriend and found that you instantaneously knew that they are talking to you in front of other people? Have you sensed that "holier than thou" tone in their voice, like you just seriously inconvenienced them and now they UGH have to talk to you? Do you find it ironic that they act put out when you're returning THEIR phone call in this instance?

Well friends, congratulations... you've officially snagged yourself what I like to call the one-man showman.

The one-man showman is a particular kind of significant other that you will find frequently popping up in relationships. While these folks may make great mates behind closed doors, they have one little itsy bitsy problem-- they don't have the confidence to show it in front of other people... notably, their own friends.

Granted, most of us are probably guilty of this particular iniquity, but it's something that fades in and out as we gain confidence in ourselves. However, while I hate to say it, men seem to take the cake when it comes to participation in this sort of thing.

Now here's the thing. I call this person the one-man showman for two reasons.
1) Because they're obviously putting on a show and
2) Because they're usually the only ONE who cares about said show.

While I understand certain concepts of masculinity and a man's inclination to avoid seeming "tied down" in front of his friends, it seems a little absurd. I mean, it seems to me that this little "show" causes more harm than good in the end no?

Let's review. Guy calls girl and gets voicemail. Girl calls guy back later when he is in front of his friends. Guy acts all bothered she called and tries to act like a macho man. Girl gets mad at guy's tone. Fight ensues.

Now.. was starting drama with your honey really worth that 20 seconds of masculine douchebaggery?

Unfortunately, from my own experience and having been guilty of this myself, the one-man showman only is brought back to reality through one thing: confidence.

This trait is clearly a warning sign pointing towards a shoddy self image. If you really were confident you wouldn't care about your friend's reaction when you answer the phone. While you act like a BAMF, you're really perceived by everyone as a moron who lacks some serious respect. Self respect.

So dearest offenders, I hope if you're out there and reading this, somewhere, somehow it will occur to you that talking in a foul manner as such is only a poor reflection upon yourself. Perhaps it's time to see a physician and get that backbone checked out...

The perfect lunch

I wanted to make a tribute to my lunch today. It was perfect. Thank you Chik-Fil-A, it was a pleasure. And speaking of pleasure, does anyone else find it weird that Chik-Fil-A requires their employees to say "my pleasure" whenever someone thanks them?

The first few times I was at Chik-Fil-A I genuinely thought that the cashier was saying that to be kind and extra courteous, but the more I said "thank you" the more she said "my pleasure" and then it got a little weird...I mean, don't get me wrong... I like it when they say my pleasure. It kind of mixes things up, ya know? It's cooler than the typical "you're welcome" or "mmmh hmmm" you'd hear at say... Burger King. Or Taco Bell. Whatever.

Either way, I love you Chik-Fil-A, don't change old friend. You're healthier. You're yummier. And by george, your selection of mayo, ketchup, napkins and straws are always so perfectly stacked and never constrained to a bogus take-one-at-a-time console. Who could not fall in love with your generosity?

Jessica <3 Chik-Fil-A 4E

Happy 23 to MEEEE!

As I sit here sifting through the dozens of obligatory "Happy Birthday" comments on my Facebook, I can't help but be thankful. I know that sounds weird, but I am actually thankful people took 20 seconds out of their day to write on my Facebook. It's funny how the little tiny things can actually accumulate to mean so much more. I mean, there are dozens of people who took time for ME today. How cool. However, kudos to those who expanded beyond the two word "happy birthday" post... I love you guys even MORE.

Anyways, this time last year my life was a WRECK. I mean, absolute WRECK. Things were changing so fast in my life and I simply couldn't keep up. I was sick. I was heartbroken. And I was rather less enthused about turning 22 than any other year prior.

So in honor of last year's utter destruction and the many tears I shed in the process, I'd like to list the 23 things that make me laugh for my 23rd birthday.

So heres my 23 THINGS THAT MAKE ME LAUGH ON MY 23RD!

1) My roommate Drew singing me happy birthday through my door at 7 am this morning... and not the nice version.. the one that calls me a monkey?
2) This photo of my parents. It really sheds light on how I became the person I am today: bold...and weird.

3) Staff ball--that is, dismantling TKE traditions while exercising!


4) Mitch Hedberg. RIP brother.
5) Memories of my best friend Kristen (Just Peachy) singing me happy birthday two years ago with a cinnamon bun from Burger King.
6) The aftermath of said birthday serenade

7) That Clay Aiken song "Invisible"
8) Little Debbie Valentine's Heart Cakes... ok they don't make me laugh, but they certainly make me happy.
9) The video on Facebook of another one of my faveys Danyelle (his girl friday) smashing a jellyfish at the beach Spring break 2007.
10) Pretty much all the memories from SB 2007.-- for those who were AT SB 2007, you know it was more of a war than a vacation. However, the Union united and defeated the confederates!
11) This photo from SB 2007. Fojo and his Emeril impression... oh... and the fact he is wearing JORTS!

12) This REAL sign my friends and I came across... Americans=very intelligent.

13) Martial Arts...sorry but it's funny.
14) People with mullets
15) People who walk around with their butt cracks hanging out. Sounds juvenile, but it's still funny to witness... and kind of disturbing. Exhibit A taken on my phone:

16) Texts From Last Night
17) Bike cops "AHHHHH Bike COPZ!"
18) Bom Qui Qui
19) Really bad commercials...like Family Auto Mart and Appliance Direct
20) Memories of Fugue Road (SB 2009)... we laugh about it now...
21) The fact that my brother-in-law hums the Price is Right theme song whenever him and my sister make a big purchase at the store. (no joke)
22) Friends... best tv show to ever exist. I laugh outloud each and every episode.
23) My Jack Hannah coloring book... here's an excerpt for your viewing pleasure:


Oh and here's one more for good luck:

24) the fact that I have to delete all these pictures off my work computer before the end of the day! bahahahahaha

Snoop Vloggy Vlog! BAM!

So I've ventured into the world of Vlogging. Yes, I am awkward. Yes, I am a dork for doing this. Yes, I still believe vlogging is cool.

Big Gay Lie?

Ya know... I know the National Enquirer is a piece of sensationalist garbage... but today's headlines were even more ridiculous than usual. Drew and I were at Publix and we literally laughed so loud we turned heads and had to explain ourselves.



What exactly IS a big gay lie? bahahahahaha. Is it a lie that bangs other lies?

...Kudos Enquirer. You got my attention today.