Sayonara 2009

As the year comes to end, I can't help but rejoice. I don't know about all of you, dear readers, but my 2009 seemed to come straight out of a Lifetime drama. So in honor of the worst year of my life... I give to you... A poem.

2009
By Jessica J. Saggio

Oh 2009, I thought you'd be great
Instead you just gave me more people to hate

The lying, the cheating, people dying, oh my
Oh geeze I could use a dang slice of pie
Or vodka, or whiskey, Kahlua or rum
Anything but SoCo, my ex ruined that fun

Rum and fun don't really rhyme, but I just don't care
Oh btw, did I mention I stopped dying my hair?

I graduated from college, what a buzz-kill THAT was
And I watched 172398473928 people get engaged, including my cuz

I looked and looked for that one special job
But alas this economy made me feel like a big, worthless blob.

So I started a blog and doing some art
That's about as good as it gets, thank God for that part

I moved home after college and discovered that sucks
So I picked up and left feeling quite like a schmuck.

I moved to a city not too far away
But it's ghetto and raunchy, but oh well, what the hay.

2009 you taught me to hate cancer
And the fact that we don't always get a positive answer
To things that go wrong or not in our favor
But life's a short thing I guess we just have to savor

Here's to 2010 a year of growth and of fun
To new beginnings and appreciating what we've become
To a year of good fortune and health and more money
I swear I started out with the intent of making this post funny (fail)

When the clock strikes 12 and the ball drops in Times Square
I'm telling you right now I'm going back to dying my hair
And feeling happy and upbeat and going after what's best
Down with the old, goodbye to the rest

As I end this stupid poem I pray for you all
A great 2010 where you stand and don't fall
More jobs and more hope, more peace and more shoppin
2010's a coming so let's get it poppppinnn

Happy New Year Errebody!!!!!!

Etiquette. Saggio Style.

Perhaps I'm feeling a little bit blunt tonight (oh who am I kidding, I'm always blunt), or perhaps I'm just a little bit tipsy (shhhhh), but I recently read a post by a fellow blogger that kind of got on my nerves... and we all know what happens when something gets on my nerves... I can't shut up. My B.

In this post, my fellow blogger decided to educate her readers on the proper etiquette of being a house guest in her home. Upon describing such behavior,she made what I consider some ridiculous requests. SOOOOOOO, I decided that perhaps I should educate MYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY readers (all two of you bahahaha) on the southern hospitality that I was taught.

So here's some tips on how to have some good ol' southern Saggio hospitality.

1) Don't bother letting someone stay at your crib unless you absolutely know you like them. Otherwise, you'll end up writing an entire blog about your absurd idiosyncrasies and how much aforementioned house guests bug you. For example: I once had this guy who liked to come over and eat every single crumb of every single ounce of food I owned... so... uh... I stopped letting him in. Yes I'm talking about you Landfill.

2) It's ok to share. I know we all like our space... yes we do, however, sometimes it's good to share for the sake of humanity. For instance, I once had a friend who liked to come and stay over, but never liked to shower. For the greater good, I decided it would be a good idea if I offered my shower for his bathing purposes and for the well-being of my nose. Let's just say I think I have a free pass to heaven.
PS: he lived on my couch for 2 weeks, and I think he took up my offer twice... RIP couch.

3) To be a good host/hostess, you have to have a heart. For instance, you know how many damn times I had somebody pass out in my home? Ya... keep coutin. We'll be here awhile. The point here is... I'd rather wake up to someone sleeping on my roommate's rug or on the floor of my bathroom opposed to them driving home drunk and killing innocent babies.

4) You don't have to feed your guests, but offering a nice beverage or two is only polite... oh and they don't have to give you a $50 Starbucks gift card in return... apparently that's the standard these days. But hey... my fellow blogger had it right when she mentioned it's appropriate to leave something for your host
in appreciation of their hospitality. This does NOT include clogged toilets, empty beer bottles or pink-colored vomit down the side of your apartment building. Oh btw-- if you go to Pegasus Landing building 33, you'll see some lovely remnants from said house guest.

5) Ya, gotta agree with my fellow blogger when she instructs not to touch certain things. The best way to prevent such violations is to just post signs, or perhaps add a shock device to whatever things you'd like to protect. Otherwise, just lock your door, eh?

6) I've shared my 2-bedroom apartment with five women for two weeks.. put on what I call your "PR Face." Yes.. sometimes you feel like being a total doucher... Yes.. you're probably pms-ing, but act nice and then go bitch about it on your blog. Like me. Because we all know I'm perfect. Duh.

Ok so in all reality, I'm sitting here with my former roomie and the two of us were the queens of hostessing. Perhaps we went overboard, but we ALWAYS made sure our guests had a place to sleep, something to eat in the morning and a safe ride home. It's not hard, watch some Paula Dean, put on some southern charm and suck it up. You never know when you may need them to reciprocate the favor.

Oh and here's my mom's

Oh and here's the one I did for my mom while I'm at it.

Painting complete!

Oh hey Blog, thanks for actually loading today.

Finished a painting last night... I'm kind of beaming because it's done... I love painting and all, but this one was a BEAST to do. Every time I went in my living room it practically stared me down begging me to go back to it. It was like having geometry homework you know you don't want to do, but have to complete to pass the class. Ya, I definitely got a D in geometry. BUT I did finish the painting and this one is very special because it was made for my very best friend!!! She has watched me paint 90 percent of my paintings for other people and whined each and every time that she wants one :) So in lieu of the Christmas season I present to you:

Kristen's Masterpiece.

Start em' young!

This Christmas, I decided on taking a different approach in buying my nephews presents. Instead of ransacking the toy aisles and getting just another piece of crap to get swallowed in the shuffle, I decided to make them Titusville trendsetters.

It's never too young to frat hard, so I thought... ok it's time these boys get on the Croakie train!

So after much searching I got them all sunglasses and matching Costa Del Mar croakies... I'm so proud.



Personally, I think the Buzz Lightyear pj's are a nice touch.

Happy Birfday Jesus

So I don't about you people, but I've always been a Jesus fan and today happens to be the eve of his big day, no?

Well my fam always has a birthday party for him every December 24, and guess who's in charge of making the cake? If you guessed me, you are correct.

So whaddaya think of my cake?

In case you have some last minute shopping to do..

Just in case you have some last minute shopping to do, I recommend to you Cracker Barrel's finest product:



Yes. It's bacon flavored floss... for all those times you brush your teeth, gargle with Listerine and then think.. hey.. I could go for some bacon.

This is also my 100th post here at JS, Inc! Wooohoo!

How to get a man to do whatever you want

In recent months, I have found that I have been surrounded by men far more than usual. Of course, this is mostly due to the fact I have a male roommate and another male friend who frequently visits, but nevertheless I have learned a valuable lesson.

The key to getting a man to do whatever you want is as follows:

Get another man to do it first.

I've found that this little theory applies in so many different situations with complete success.

Let me give you an example:

Tonight I wanted to bake Christmas cookies. But let's face it, baking Christmas cookies by yourself is pretty much the equivalent of drinking vodka for breakfast. So I thought... well.. hell... I have two guys sitting in my apartment doing nothing but watching the Food Network (ya, weird I know..) and playing computer games... let's put them to work.

Well neither one would agree to it.

However, after much begging, one finally gave in and decided to help me. It wasn't but 5 minutes later the other followed suit. And ba-bam this is what I got:



Let's face it, most men aren't leaders... they're followers... as are women. duh. So ladies, I tell you, if you want a man to do something get another man to do it first.

You want that boy to make out with you? Get another boy to do it first.

You want that boy to do the dishes? Get another boy to do it first.

You want that boy to go shopping with you? What was that?

Oh right, get another man to do it first.

And if it doesn't work... take pictures of you doing aforementioned tasks with other boys and post them on Facebook.

Here... I documented tonight's cookie baking for all you ladies who need some proof. Feel free to use photo as needed. If this isn't the best Christmas present I can give to you all than I just don't know how to please you people!



Aww aren't they cute??? And look at how much fun they're having! And to think how reluctant they were...

I win.

Tis the season to be a nerd

OK... so I have NEVER been one for computer games...

BUTTT... I really like cake.

So I tried playing this game

http://www.cookingplay.com/game/628/cake-factory.html

It's called Cake Factory and I CANNOT for the life of me get a score past 600. It's DRIVING ME CRAZY.

For the People

So if you're from the Central Florida area you are probably familiar with Morgan and Morgan. And if you're my friend, you're probably familiar with them being the butt of many of my jokes... Ya know the "For the People" guy on TV who has freckles? He used to be Morgan, Colling & Gillbert, but Colling & Gillbert must have ticked him off somewhere along the way...

Well Mr. Morgan has always had a presence in the TV commercial sector, but apparently his marketing has reached new heights-- Christmas Billboards. I don't know about you, but EVERYTIME I see this Billboard of John Morgan with a photo-shopped Santa beard I can't help but giggle.



Well in honor of John Morgan's umm exquisite marketing tactic, I thought it might be fun to try out his approach on other businesses...


GET YOUR FLU SHOTTTZZZ



I always knew he'd make a good Santa



The Florida Supreme Court. Who cares if they just sentenced you to life in prison? They have Santa beards!


And last but not least...

Santa Van Gundy! I think it's a rather charming look for him.