Another true FML moment

So I've been sick since Monday. I don't know what the hizeck is up with my body, but my immune system apparently went on vaca.

Well I've found that flavored hot tea to the soar throat is like angels in heaven singing to baby Jesus. So at about midnight last night, I decided to make a cup of this awesome apple spice tea. So I took out the tea kettle, turned the stove on and continued watching my DVR'd episode of Glee.

On a side note-- you should know the day before I made these AWESOME chocolate chip muffins that I stored so nicely in a new plastic cake holder I got on clearance at Wal-Mart.

Well all of a sudden amidst my comfortable Glee time, I start to smell something burning. I go into the kitchen and apparently the cake holder that was sitting on the other side of the stove caught fire... and we're not talking a little fire, the thing was up in FLAMES. So I try and blow it out (yes, you can laugh now).

Well I ended up moving the container from one end of the stove to the other, but all that did was spread the melted plastic which then started new fires all over the entire stove.

So I know you aren't supposed to use water to put this stuff out, so I kept calling people for help, NONE of whom answered the phone. It was an effin emergency! Good thing I wasn't being murdered!!!!

Ok so I caved and threw water on it for lack of a better outlet... but omgosh what a huge mess I had to clean off of my parents brand new, flat-top, glass stove.

ANd to think my mom is afraid of leaving my 86-year-old post-stroke grandmother alone in the kitchen near the stove and knives and here I am the 22-year-old college grad lighting her house on fire in the middle of the night.

SERIOUS FML.

V.I.P.

You know you're a baller WHEN:

Pizza Hut sends you exclusive "by invitation only" emails.

Apparently my opinion matters!!!! So thank you Pizza Hut. I believe that is the only time in the last 6 months anyone has actually asked for my opinion. So yes, I will fill out your survey! Huzzah!

An ode to Dell

Dear Dell
You can go to hell
My computer died
It's effin fried

I bought it just over a year ago
Because my old computer was running too slow
It was pink and fast and Oh so nice
Now its pink and dead, for the love of Christ!

The warranty expired in March, oh boo
And the next thing I know the battery stopped working too

So I bought a new battery and everything was ok
Then the the powerport got busted and I thought WHAT THE HAY

I took it to the computer place and they said Oh My!
We can't fix this you might as well just buy
A brand new mac or an HP or Toshiba
But instead I just went home and wallowed watching reruns of Reba

So I cried to my daddy, help me fix it please please
And he looked at me annoyed and I though Oh geeze.

But he helped and I couldn't believe it, we found the missing part
So we put it in and baboom! The thing STILL wouldn't start.

So here I am blogging, borrowing a computer from my dad
Hoping one day I can have another pink laptop, so rad.

But in the meantime, I gripe and I moan
Wishing Dell wouldn't always connect me with India on the phone
I can't understand you! I said to the dude
He said that'll be $75 bucks and I said, HOW RUDE

So dearest Dell with your products so shotty
You can take your pink laptops and flush them down the potty
Continue being crappy and elusive, that's swell
But I tell you dear Dell I damn you to hell!!!

Pure schadenfreude

So I just realized something.

There is something ridiculously awesome about seeing one of your ex's not only date extremely weird looking women, but go incredibly downhill themself.

Call me a Jerk. But it feels good. Real good. It's like eating candy. You know you shouldn't even look at it or even think about it because it's not healthy, but when you do it's like sweet sweet victory.

Digging for Gold? Or just Gold Digging...

“Now I ain’t sayin she a gold digger, but she ain’t messin with no broke n****”

I dare say that was the most intelligent thing that has come out of the mouth of Kanye West… but not purposely, of course.

While I hate to be quoting the man even President Obama considers a “jackass,” he unknowingly brings up a relevant point; is there a dividing line between a “gold digger” and an admirably smart woman?

Now, in this world I feel there are two types of women who can be classified as “gold diggers.” The first group, being the obvious, is women who are truly with a man because they have money, power etc. and no other reason other than that. The second group, on the other hand, includes women who look at men on what I like to call a “P.M.M.A” scale. (Potential Money Making Ability).

Now don’t get me wrong, I loathe Gold Diggers, but I see no problem with using a P.M.M.A. scale. Literally half of marriages in this country end in divorce… and what is the number one thing couples fight about? You got it… MONEY.

This scale by no means excuses a woman to mooch off her beau, but it’s not unreasonable to stray away from the men the wise women of TLC coined as “scrubs.” I see no problem with rejecting men who aspire to be on the grill line at McDonalds.

The thing about today’s society is that women are stronger than ever. We can do almost anything a man can do. We can earn millions. We can start companies. We can succeed. So why on Earth would a successful woman want to be with a lazy, uninspired man? … and the same goes for men, vice versa.

Granted, I think if you truly love a person, money will not be a factor BUT, in this dog eat dog world, your relationship has much greater potential if the couple is “equally yoked” in their desires and aspirations. Otherwise, it would be totally cool to date a bum… which LOTS of women do. Um. Not cool ladies. We all know what that leads to…. A trailer park, jean shorts and several tweety bird tattoos.

All I’m saying is… there’s a big difference between Gold Diggers and women with high expectations.

… and as Destiny’s Child so nicely put it:

“Can you pay my bills? Can you pay my telephone bills? Can you pay my automo bills? If you did then maybe we could chill…”

I'm really tired of Target rejecting me

I have a beef with Target.

No. Not only do I have a beef with Target, I have a beef with all creditors everywhere...but mostly Target.

Back in the day, Target would not give me a job. They had a "we're hiring" sign up, but apparently that doesn't mean crap. They make you go through this 45-minute long, STUPID process of taking a personality test and so on and so forth and then writing down every little tidbit of information about your life. You references. Your address. Your social. Your first grade report card. Your fishing license. Your preference of toilet tissue. And in the end, these little tests apparently determine if you are a good fit for their "team" of minimum wage employees clad in red polos and khaki pants.

So ya, they rejected me. Sent me a nice little card in the mail saying Thank You for applying yadda yadda yadda. I've been boycotting the red/khaki combination ever since, FYI. Take that Target.

Well, apparently I'm not good enough for a Target credit card either. Just when I thought I had developed some credit, you know, paying for utilities for a year, buying a new car, taking out a school loan.... all that great, adult crap. I come to find out that Target is still the only place that won't accept me for WHO I AM!!!!!

.. And who I am is a 22 year old, recent grad who can't get a fricken Target credit card.

When they sent me the rejection letter it wasn't that I had bad credit, just "not enough."

So tell me dearest creditors, how on Earth is one to develop credit when you won't allow us to in the first place? See how there is a kink in the chain of this system? AND I DON'T NEED ANYMORE KINKS IN MY CHAIN AMERICA.

So Target... you're lucky I enjoy shopping in your retail facility or I would boycott you for unjust treatment of young, aspiring professionals!!! ACK!


And to think, all I ever wanted was to save 10 percent on my purchase. boohoo.

Reason #546 you shouldn't move back home

Reason #546 you shouldn't move back home after college.

Today I discovered that my hair straightener turns itself back on if I leave it plugged into the wall. Before work I straightened my hair. After work, my mother decided to lecture me about leaving the hair straightener on. I wasn't having it. I'm 22 years old and I know that I turned my straightner off. In retaliation she steals my straightener and hides it.

.... So I stole all the hairbrushes in the house and they are now hidden in an undisclosed location. Take that mamacita.

Moving out in t-minus 14 days.

Random thought of the day

So as I was getting a glass of water in the kitchen tonight (after battling a giant cockroach perched on the dishwasher EW), I realized something. I have a special cup and I swear to god, everything tastes better in my special cup. Is this weird? I just love this cup. It's interesting because it's a crystal cup, but it's the only one like it I have. I think I'll be lost if it ever breaks and I lose my special cup. Just saying...

Newest painting

In case anybody is interested, I just finished a painting. Let me know if you want it.




My hobbies get the best of me... I was addicted to finishing this the last 3 days or so.

Where's PETA when you need them...

While innocently shopping in Target today, I came across something that kinda made me gag a little... It's bad enough to subject a human to wearing this (as Planet Smoothie often does), but to make your poor, innocent, helpless dog wear it?! Oh dear Jesus... why is this ok?



The best part-- "For pets only".... as if some idiot is willing to pay $20 for a costume made for a dog to wear out on the town himself. NOT OK, TARGET! NOT OK!

By appointment only.

Apparently God has an office... and it's in Cocoa, FL.



Looked pretty run down... guess God didn't want to be too flashy.

Mouse Ears and Marvel don’t mix

Today I was shocked to hear that Disney has made a douche move even worse than VH1’s decision to bring back the Tool Academy for a second season. In an effort to become even more of a dominating player in the entertainment industry, Disney purchased the rights to all 5,000 Marvel characters. Now instead of being America’s most shining example of a monopoly, the Disney Corporation has slowly turned into a dictatorship over the industry. Apparently a $4 billion buyout is the price tag associated with unoriginality.

Being a universal fan myself, it pains me to see Disney stomp out their competition with pennies and cents versus coming up with an original idea to seize the market. Buying rights to the comic book characters that shape the Universal theme parks and brand is just plain… dirty. Surely, Disney isn’t financially in the hole enough to sucker punch it’s rival and go against the ideals of Walt himself. It wasn’t too long ago these words were coming out of the man who believed in bringing dreams to life.

"I am not influenced by the techniques or fashions of any other motion picture company."
-Walt Disney.

So what happened to this model for success? Obviously Universal and the comic book genre were stealing teenagers and young adults away from the Disney brand, but the problem was improper appeal. It doesn’t matter if you buy the comic book characters, Disney will continue to appeal to a younger audience because that is the precedence they have set. Disney world and Disney movies will always be associated with “good, clean fun.” And to the average teen, good, clean fun ranks low on their interest scale. I see where they are coming from trying to adopt these characters into their “small world” of rainbows, princesses and fairy godmothers to attract a different crowd, but was this the best idea they could come up with?

It pains me to see a company like Disney, known for its individuality and creativity, sink to this all-time low. Leave the comic books and teen scene to Universal until you come up with a better way than a million high school musical sequels to appeal to that market. Fight fair Disney… aren’t you the one that taught us good will always overcome evil? Which side are you on these days anyway…